Esta Lee Spivey

I wrote you a letter on my wedding day, I just never got time to send it, for once I felt as beautiful as you always tried to convince me I was, but I couldn't help but miss you, standing there taking pictures all dressed up waiting to become a wife, but there was something wrong, something missing, and as I'm standing there holding back lumps that I am refusing to let turn into tears and out of nowhere I feel at ease and calm and then I see mom walk in the church I can't see much but I could tell it was her, but thats not where the strength came from, all I could see was this big white mass and ya know as old as I am and as long as it's been I still almost thought it was you, goh how I imagined that day wishing you could be there but I think you came in the form of someone else, someone who made me strong at my lowest point since you had been gone, and at that time before I married a man I know you would have loved, thats what I needed nothing else mattered, in short what I guess I'm saying is thank you for being there and walking me down the isle on my day, you may have not physically been there, but you were there none the less. I miss you, I love you.  p.s He calls me Darlin' :) 

Dad.....so many images come to mind whenever I speak your name;
It seems without you in my life things have never been the same.

What happened to those lazy days when I was just a child;
When my life was consumed in you, in your love, and in your smile.

What happened to all those times when I always looked to you;
No matter what happened in my life you could make my gray skies blue.

Dad, some days I hear your voice and turn to see your face;
Yet in my turning...it seems the sound has been erased.

Dad, who will I turn to for answers when life does not make sense;
Who will be there to hold me close when the pieces just don't fit.

Oh, Dad, if I could turn back time and once more hear your voice;
I'd tell you that out of all the dads you would still be my choice.

Please always know I love you and no one can take your place;
Years may come and go but your memory will never be erased.

Today, Jesus, as You are listening in your home above;
Would you go and find my dad and give him all my love.

I thought I saw you today
Standing there in the checkout line
Just out of reach.
I started to call your name (Dad!)
But I stopped.
My mind said it wasn't you,
Couldn't be you.
My heart said otherwise,
Vehemently.

I was embarrassed by the
Tears that sprang, unbidden
To wash away my
Disappointment.
I wrestled--like Jacob with the angel--
Until I had conquered, once more,
My grief.
The struggle left me feeling
Out of joint.

The world slipped away
As I left the store.
There was only me
And my grief.
No you.
Never again a "you."
Finally, I grabbed my grief
By the neck, shouting,
"I will not let you go until you bless me!"

Sometimes during the months following our loss, most of us experience a fleeting instant when we believe we have seen ou loved one. It may be in a chek-out line oron the street. Wherever we are when it occures, it cannot help but reawaken our great sorrow. Tears spring to our eyes and we are once again completely and painfully aware that we miss out loved one more than words can ever express. We would give anything to have him back. We wrestle with our grief. W want our pain to stop. We want our sorrow to be over.
It's tempting at times like these to feel angry with ourselves. We say that our mind is "playing tricks" on us. We imagine that it has aligned itself against us and we wonder if we are deliberately making ourselves miserable. Why else would we make such a devastating mistake?
It's likely that this case of mistaken identity is just one more way we have of reminding ourselves of the reality of our pain. It is far too easy to belittle our pain. We may even have convinced ourselves that our pain is insignificant, our grieving process unnecessary. Then it happens. The back of someone's head. the way he walks, sends us scurrying. We rush agead to catch a glimpse of the person's face, hoping and praying it will be ou loved one and we well be able to declare that we have only had a nightmare. Ye we know all the while how fruitless our effort will be.
It happens so quickly that it's impossible to retell the incident without sounding completely insane. Of course we knew all along it wasn't really our loved one. Of course we know how silly it all sounds. But, for just a second, our heart leaped in hope. We were invigorated bythe promise of release. It's in the moments following such and incident that we need to remind ourselves that this time of grief serves a purpose. God created us with an ingerent ability to heal, and our grief process is designed to bless us with healing. It is in htose moments when we need to take our grief bythe neck and shout, "I will not let you go until you bless me!"

This helped me some...this has happened to me...I hope it helps... I love you guys...
Shelby

I always celebrated Mother's Day for you dad. You were my mom and dad. You were everything to me. You taught me to be the kind of parent I wanted to be. Unselfishness,unconditional love,faith in each child, a way of balancing everything out so that not one child felt more or less important than the next. I miss you this mother's day. I miss you every day. Thank you for all that you have done to make my life easier. To always let me know that you loved me and was proud. Well, Happy Mother's Day Dad!


I love you always,
Shelby